Neverland

Never growing up, never being too old to do something; carefree and innocent. Fear doesn't exist, because the biggest fear is that of growing up, of being forced to make decisions that will shape the rest of your life. All those decisions are exciting and new, and maybe just a hint terrifying. There are consequences for every action, every choice, but standing still in the current of life is a choice as well - one that is convenient and safe, but one that won't let you stay young and protected. Life goes on, no matter what decisions you make. Some decisions are worth making, despite the penalty that may come from making them. Saying what must be said, terrified that it may destroy a much valued friendship. Is the friendship strong enough to hold? How will it change, because it will change, and will I know how to deal with that without damaging it, but making it grow? It can't be left unsaid. In Neverland it could, where nothing changes in the way this world does. Responsibilities that prove and enforce the idea that I'm no longer a child. I can't run away from that any more. I can't forever be just the student, only learning, only responding to tasks that others give me, but must be the one to teach, to help others to grow - focus outward instead of inward. It's terrifying, but exciting in its newness, taking on some responsibility, but finding more freedom than Neverland ever offered. In some ways, I'd like to step out of time and just watch it happen. I'm impatient for everything life could hold if I learn to make the right choices.

Sunshine

I miss working all day everyday, out in the heat, chilling out in the guard shack eating popsicles and joking with the guards. I had my wisdom teeth out and had to miss a couple days - something about not blowing a whistle, diving or sitting in seering heat all day after oral surgery. And then I could only teach swim lessons for the rest of the week. Then, this week, I got a 46 hour schedule and was super excited. Eight hours into my 10 hour shift, I realize that I can't go on. I'm nauseous, head throbbing, and not really sweating as much as I should - or was earlier in the day, but the sun's setting so I was getting chills, too. One of the other guards called an assistant manager to replace me. I went home and to bed. And woke up at 1 burning up and freezing cold at the same time. That morning, I was running a temperature of 102.4. Mildly scary. So I had to take a couple days off to let my fever drop and let my body regain temperature control.

Summer rain

No rain in over a month. Grass is yellowed, burned. Warm wind circulates like a convection oven from bright blue cloudless skies. Temperatures peak out over 100 degrees. Throughout the day, the clouds gather. We watch with hope as the sky grow darker, as the sky grays. Then, a spatter on the windshield, like hitting a bug. And again. Rain? The thermometer shows the heat dissipating as tires send up a fine mist from the road. I sit outside on the grass and watch the storm come in, watching the lightning, hearing the crackle of the sky tearing before the boom of thunder, counting to see if the storm is coming or going. Raindrops grow bigger and closer together, light and sound almost simultaneous. Have you ever watched the rain come in? Last year, sitting in the guard shack after swim lessons, listening to the thunder, watching the lightning we waited for the rain. Suddenly, one of the guards pointed out the window, and said, "wait for it". We turned and watched a line of water cross the fence and move slowly, steadily forward across the grass, over the cement and pavillions, and then work its way toward us across the water of the pool. Finally the downpour reaches us, coming down straight, not slantways through the window, tapping and pounding on the metal roof.